Dear Hope: How Can I Ease The Pain?
I lost my fiancee in January this year. It was a horrible start to the year and I’m not getting better I feel like I’m stuck in the same place I was 2 months ago. I feel sad and upset all the time and I just wish that it never happened. Every time I laugh or feel happy, I can’t help but think that I’m never going to see him again. I just want to be able to get through the day without thinking about morbid things and without getting so upset I want to cry. I was hit by denial in the worst way and I still feel like I’m still denying it sometimes. People are telling me to get help but I know there is no one that can help me but myself. Please tell me how I can ease the pain and get through a day happily.
I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry you had to start your year this way.
It is important for you to understand there is no right or wrong way for you to feel right now. Handling the loss of someone you love is incredibly hard.
Grief has no rules or timeline.
It has only been two months. Two months are not that long. It can take a long time to figure out a new way to live without him being there. It’s different for each person and how you grieve is different for each person. No one can completely understand how you feel. How you heal might look different from how others around you heal.
Grief can be messy and confusing.
Guilt, denial, anger, and happiness are parts of the grieving process. It’s normal to be happy one moment and overwhelmingly sad the next. It can change day-to-day or minute to minute. Don’t feel bad about how you feel. Allow yourself to experience these emotions. You are still learning how to cope with this and how to move forward.
When you’re having a hard moment, take a few deep breaths and try to redirect your thoughts. Think about happy times or treasured memories. If that feels like too much, try to focus on something else. Turn on a new song or flip through a magazine. I’m not trying to make it seem light, but sometimes it can help to distract yourself with something light and easy. Have distractions planned or ready.Find and do things you enjoy like painting, writing, or jogging. These types of activities can help you work through your emotions.
Stress like this can take a big toll on you. Please make sure you are eating and getting good rest. Concentrating on yourself and going about your daily routine can be very calming.
Don’t go through this alone.
I know you said there is no one that can help you but yourself. It’s true that your healing will be up to you. It will take place in your timing. HOWEVER, getting help can simply mean having support. It does not mean someone will fix you. It means you have others who are there for you.
You could join a support group. It can be comforting to share your feelings with people who have also experienced a loss.
I’m glad you reached out. Don’t be ashamed if you decide you do need help. Grief counselors are professionals that know how to help.
I’m so sorry. There are no words I can type that will tell you how to ease the pain. At some point, you will you start to notice that you have more good moments or less sad moments.
Allow yourself the time it takes, however long that is. You are in our thoughts.
Thank you for being brave and sending in your question.